Fighting Shadows

"Put this in any liquid thing you will,

And drink it off;

and, if you had the strength Of twenty men, it would dispatch you straight".

-Romeo and Juliet Act V

It was a cold, rainy November morning when I first started drinking the poison.

It wasn’t so bad, not at first. I felt mostly normal. Two days later the poison visited its first pangs. I felt like death. How could I do this? How could I continue doing this? How would I function? Will it get worse? Better? Stay the same? Sweet, sweet poison that will kill that part of me that has rebelled and gone off on its own, determined to be itself. Hopefully enough of me will survive to carry out the judgment when the rebel has surrendered. I will show no mercy. I cannot.

When it is weak and vulnerable, I will come at it in the dark, with my bright lights blazing and my gleaming knives out sharp and ready, to cast it from me and declare that this territory is defended and will not accept the rebel, ever.

It is all I can do.

Now, I drink again.

-thoughts on Chemotherapy

Born On the Fourth Of July (part II)

I was born on the Fourth of July. Technically, this makes me a cancer.

How ironic is that.

For those of you who may not have already heard, I have been diagnosed with colon cancer. Not content to remain in one place, the cancer has sent out a scouting party to my liver.

I have only recently become aware of this rebellion, and have not entirely decided how I feel about this. I have decided that it "sucks" and "sucks hard" at the very least. Chemotherapy starts this next week and I have that to look forward to. I am trying to remain positive, but truely, this sucks. I might have thought that having heart disease was enough for one person, but now fate has dealt me this challenge to deal with as well. Not fair. I quit smoking in 1982. I stopped eating meat in 2005. I have not been especially good about exercising and staying fit (bad me). So I am a little angry right now.

My friends are stellar. Everyone has been immensely supportive. Already the food has begun arriving. Nothing says "I love you and care about you" like food, except maybe saying "I love you and care about you" which they have done as well.

I am sure I will have more to say as I come to grips with this. Right now, it sucks. I can't stress that enough. I am not happy about this. I hope to be a little more eloquent in the coming days.

Thanks everyone for their good thoughts.

-Richard